diario di una quarantenne

Diario personale

evito

10/02/2021

Evito

Evito di guardarti negli occhi , di sentire il rumore che mi fai dentro

evito di risponderti perche’ so gia’ che un unica tua parola mi porterebbe alla confusione.

Ho deciso di evitarti perche’ so gia’ che finirei per scegliere te ,

mi troverei avanti alla tua porta con le valigie tra le mani , scrollando le spalle e

affermando che inevitabilmente per l’ennesima volta ho scelto te sopra ogni azione , sopra ogni persona ,

sopra ogni evento funesto che mi ha travolto fin ora.

Ma non posso farlo!

Non posso lacerarmi , continuare a punirmi

lasciare che il dolore mi prenda in pieno , lasciarlo fare quello che vuole , e poi

una volta andato via dover raccattare i cocci , sparsi qua e la’ nella mia anima .

Non posso e non devo , me lo ripeto da settimane ,

evito di risponderti , evito di guardare i tuoi occhi cosi scuri eppur limpidi

pieni di uno strano amore che non riconosco , forse non l’ho mai guardato nel modo giusto

dalla giusta prospettiva da cui si guardano i grandi amori.

In un sentiero a stento illuminato da una fioca luce , cammino e trascino le mie valigie , senza sosta

non sento il freddo , continuo imperterrita

sento solo la fatica che sto facendo , il grande sforzo

di andare contro me stessa , contro il mio cuore , ma la mia testa ormai ha deciso

“Evitalo è la cosa giusta da fare”

Ma io non ho mai ascoltato lei ho sempre preferito farmi male ma ascoltare la parte di me che ha sofferto di piu’

quel cuore malandato che continua inevitabilmente a battere ,

se pur stanco ed affaticato .

Ti sto evitando , non so se tu lo abbia capito oppure no ,

ti evito anche nei miei sogni cosi da non poterti sfiorare

sentire l’odore della tua pelle , un odore cosi familiare da non riuscire a dimenticare.

Ti evito ma non so ancora per quanto…

lontana da qui

 

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