Diario di una quarantenne

Diario privato

lontana da qui

Lontana da qui

Lontana da qui vorrei essere , lontana da me dai miei pensieri

da una vita che non sto vivendo.

Mi sveglio stordita ormai queste settimane sto dormendo forse 3 ore per notte , mi guardo allo specchio

le occhiaie si fanno piu’ profonde e si notano ancor di piu’ del solito.

Penso ” oggi neanche la truccatrice riuscira’ a fare miracoli”

Arrivo in cucina ti trovo seduto con la tua tazza fumante di caffe’

che leggi un giornale come sempre .

Mi guardi ed esclami ” buon giorno peste dormi poco di nuovo vero?”

Sbuffo annuisco ma non rispondo , cerco il caffe , la moca quello che bevi tu lo odio.

So che mi hai sentito questa notte , che nonostante fissi il soffitto mi senti sospirare , in un irrequieto battito di pensieri.

“Amir sto bene sono solo sotto pressione , tutto qui il lavoro , le giornate pesanti , la vita normale”

So e tu sai che sto mentendo ma va bene ad entrambi , oggi mi sento piu’ inutile del solito.

Vorrei essere lontana da qui dai miei pensieri che mi tormentano , da quelle due frasi che mi rimbombano in testa da giorni,

vorrei non pensare , ma non ci riesco.

Vorrei non dipendere da tuo odore

dai ricordi della tua pelle , il suono delle  note del tuo frastuono

eppure ci sono , il tuo viso le risate sono cosi vive in me da essere reali.

Quelle frasi mi hanno scombussolato , mi hanno tolto la voglia di mangiare di sorridere ,

ma so perfettamente che non posso ricadere , non posso

essere cosi masochista ed avere cosi poco rispetto di me da crederci.

Lontano da qui potrei essere diversa o semplicemente fingere di esserlo ,

potrei sorridere e nessuno si accorgerebbe di nulla .

Sapere solo io cosa mi porto dentro ,

combattere la mia battaglia per dimenticarti , lasciarti andare e sopravvivere al dolore.

viaggiare , continuare a camminare fin quando arrivata ad un certo  punto,

potrei aspettarti in un altra dimensione, a braccia aperte , venirti incontro e dirti

guarda siamo cambiati siamo migliori ,

ma so che non è cosi.

Rimango a fissare il mio’ caffe’ sognando di essere lontano da qui.

storia non mia

 

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