Diario di una quarantenne

La strada di casa

cerco me stessa

Cerco me stessa

Cerco me stessa tra le strade di questa citta’, cammino mi guardo intorno

cerco qualcosa di familiare , incredula sconvolta mi guardo allo specchio e non so chi sono.

Confusa continuo a navigare in questa vita che non è la mia , una finzione che fin a questo momento sembrava reale.

Una bugia cosi grande da mettere in gioco l’intera mia vita

” Chi sono? Chi sono veramente chi è la persone che ho pensato di essere fin ora?”

Amir da giorni mi segue ormai è diventato la mia ombra ha il terrore che io possa fare qualcosa di avventato , di distruttivo ,

ma forse non ha ben chiaro

che ormai sono cosi stanca e confusa da non riuscire a pensare a nulla se non a quella frase

buttata li un pomeriggio di sole , avanti un caffe’ quella parola che non riusciro’ mai piu’ a dimenticare

non sei quella che pensi , avrei dovuto dirtelo prima ma non avevo il coraggio.

Piango dolori accumulati , scrape rotte , strade percorse, ,

piango dolori accumulati che poi scoppiano all’improvviso come i fuochi d’artificio.

“Cos’hai? ” Amir mi chiede

Non so pensavo che forse dovrei cercarlo chiedergli e magari avere una spiegazione , ma allo stesso tempo penso ,

non far domande a cui non vuoi aver risposta , meglio no?

Meglio vagare cosi in una vita che è stata cosi difficile ed ora sembra un sogno

vagabondare che avere risposte a domande che non mi sono mai posta.

Ogni volta guardo negli occhi qualcuno penso ” sara’lui?”

ma poco importa .

Sento il passo di Amir vicino al mio ogni volta mi guarda ,

con i suoi occhi scuri non sapendo che dire e che fare

io vado in giro con gli occhiali da sole per velare i miei occhi lucidi , la  rabbia , dissenso

per una bugia tenuta troppo a lungo nascosta alla diretta interessata.

Continuo una vita che fingo vada bene , è l’unica cosa che riesco a fare ora .

Non riesco ad essere lucida a pensare ,

mi sono chiusa in me stessa pensando che sia la soluzione migliore in questo momento

in cui non so piu’ chi sono ,

sono un errore?

Una buia nascosta per anni?

Cosa sono ?

Cerco la strada di casa ma non la trovo vorrei tornare in una casa che sia la mia , un rifugio tranquillo in cui raggomitolarmi e sentirmi al sicuro ,

cerco me stessa ma non so chi sono…

mi sento in gabbia




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