Diario di una quarantenne

Il litigio

sono veleno

( giorno 701 dal tuo ritorno)

Sono  veleno

” sono veleno 

te lo ripeto mentre

ti guardo

te lo ripeto ma tu 

fingi di non capire 

sono solo veleno ma tu 

non mi ascolti…”

Ti trovo mentre stai leggendo il mio quaderno degli appunti , immobile quasi di sasso vedo i tuoi occhi sbarrati su questi versi corro verso di te ed urlo

” Che fai? stai leggendo? ti avevo detto di non rovistare tra le mie cose ,

ok che sei tornato , ok ti ho accettato ed accetto la tua presenza costante vicino a me ,

ma i miei pensieri e quello che scrivo devono rimanere miei,

smettilaaaa!!!”

Mentre urlo in questa piccola camera , ti tolgo il quaderno dalle mani

lo getto a terra quasi a volerlo rompere in un solo colpo.

Mi guardi con gli occhi quasi terrorizzati per quello che hai letto , immobile sento il tuo respiro pesante mentre

urli , per la prima volta da quando sei tornato

” Cosa sono queste parole?

sapevo che scrivevi ma mai cosi !

Cosa diavolo stai facendo , non lo vedi ti stai distruggendo di nuovo eh?

Che cazzo fai?

Cosa pesi che non me ne sia accorto come in questi giorni le lacrime ti scendono quando pensi che io stia dormendo?,

vivi distrattamente , sempre fissando il vuoto ,

come con il moro ricordi?

Fingevi interesse ma stavi pensando ad altro , allora hai deciso di distruggerti ancora o di voler morire cosi? ”

Rimando immobile , pietrificata è la prima volta che mi parli cosi , non ti ho mai sentito parlare ne rivolgerti a me in questo modo.

Entro in bagno , mi avvicino allo specchio , stringo i pugni e fisso la figura avanti a me.

Una me che Amir ha dipinto perfettamente , livida, apatica con gli occhi costantemente rossi , un finto sorriso stampato ,

il veleno che ormai mi ha pervaso , invaso non solo l’anima ma anche tutte le ferite aperte.

Sono diventata questo?

Sono solo veleno?

Immobile mi fisso , vedo un immagine che non mi somiglia , ormai cosi lontana dal’ immagine che ricordavo

quella che ogni tanto guardo sui social

quella che rideva nonostante tutto.

Mai possibile che pochi mesi mi abbiano trasformato in questo modo?

Mi sciacquo il viso , metto il costume , esco dal bagno

senza guardarti e penso che dovrei scendere i ragazzi sono gia’ in spiaggia e si chiederanno dove sono finita,

non ho voglia di contro battere ,

Amir ha ragione ed io non posso far altro che prenderne atto.

Ti guardo senza dire una parola prendo le mie cose pensando io vado se vuoi venire fai pure altrimenti ,

mentre mi fermo sulla soglia della porta , una tristezza mi assale , tristezza mista a paura

mi volto e ti dico

“Ti trovo qui quando torno o vieni con me?”

Mi guardi fai un mezzo sorriso ed annuisci , capisco che quando saro’ tornata tu sarai qui ad aspettarmi ,

cio’ che mi hai detto è la verita’,

una verita’ scomoda ma era l’unico modo per colpirmi e farmi rinsavire.

la notte

 

 

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