Diario di una quarantenne

Le serate

il terzo giorno

(giorno 600 dal tuo ritorno)

Il terzo giorno

Il terzo giorno , in cui esco bevo e torno ubriaca a casa , mi fissi

sono circa le 4 di notte mentre in bagno con due dischetti in mano strofino gli occhi,

per rimuovere il make up , mentre penso perche’ mi trucco tanto?

A si le occhiaie!

Tu sei fermo in piedi appoggiato alla porta con le braccia conserte mi fissi e ti sento esclamare

” perche’ lo fai? è il terzo giorno di fila che torni ubriaca ti stai facendo del male lo sai?”

Mi avvicino a te ti punto il dito al naso e poi esclamo

” uno non sono ubriaca, due la quarantena è finita ed io voglio uscire , tre sto solo cercando di non pensare!

NON PENSARE!!”

Dopo questo slancio cerco di raggiungere il letto , un colpo alla spalla vicino al muro , un colpo al ginocchio non so neanche dove , mi siedo nel letto e ti trovo li Amir ai piedi del mio letto come quando sei tornato da me e mi fissavi mentre dormivo.

Penso

Sto cercando di non pensare ma l’alcool fa peggio , immaginavo che una volta sentito tanto dolore per una persona la volta successiva fosse stato meno doloroso , invece non è cosi , il dolore è uguale lo si affronta in modo diverso , ma è sempre lo stesso .

Non impari mai a non soffrire o a soffrire meno , il dolore si insinua in gola ti toglie il fiato , tu continui a pensare e lui ti pervade.

Vorrei solo che per una volta sia qualcuno a combattere per me , qualcuno che non dorma la notte per me , qualcuno che….

Amir …

Tu mi fissi mentre i miei pensieri si accumulano e pensi che ho vomitato nuovamente il veleno su una persona solo perche’ non accetto cose di me  ,

hai cercato di stender i mie ricordi su un filo sperando che il vento li portasse via , cosi avrei sofferto meno , ma non è cosi .

Mi guardi senza dire una parola mentre stranamente mi addormento ragomitolata su me stessa.

La mattina seguente

Mi sveglio , strano non ho mal di testa dopo il terzo giorno di fila a far danni,

mi reco in cucina , avvolta in uno strano silenzio , si perche’ non ho sentito quando ti sei alzato ,

entro e ti trovo con una tazzina di caffe’ fumante che esclami

“buon giorno splendore!”

Dio splendore proprio oggi direi di no, capelli ricci arruffati, occhi gonfi e non immagino cos’altro.

Prendo il caffe’ mentre tu seduto affermi

” non ti ricordi nulla di ieri sera?”

Sgrano gli occhi mentre penso o dio il cellulare speriamo di non aver mandato messaggi a nessuno , gia’ mi sono bruciata la dignita’ abbastanza.

Ti sento pensare no tesoro l’ho nascosto , il discorso di ieri sera non lo ricordi …meglio cosi non era importante.

Ti avvicini mi scosti i ricci dal viso e mi abbracci , sento il calore della tua anima che mi avvolge in una splendida giornata di sole,

non ricordo nulla di ieri sera ma forse è meglio cosi!

il rientro

Comments

comments

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