Le serate
(giorno 600 dal tuo ritorno)
Il terzo giorno
Il terzo giorno , in cui esco bevo e torno ubriaca a casa , mi fissi
sono circa le 4 di notte mentre in bagno con due dischetti in mano strofino gli occhi,
per rimuovere il make up , mentre penso perche’ mi trucco tanto?
A si le occhiaie!
Tu sei fermo in piedi appoggiato alla porta con le braccia conserte mi fissi e ti sento esclamare
” perche’ lo fai? è il terzo giorno di fila che torni ubriaca ti stai facendo del male lo sai?”
Mi avvicino a te ti punto il dito al naso e poi esclamo
” uno non sono ubriaca, due la quarantena è finita ed io voglio uscire , tre sto solo cercando di non pensare!
NON PENSARE!!”
Dopo questo slancio cerco di raggiungere il letto , un colpo alla spalla vicino al muro , un colpo al ginocchio non so neanche dove , mi siedo nel letto e ti trovo li Amir ai piedi del mio letto come quando sei tornato da me e mi fissavi mentre dormivo.
Penso
Sto cercando di non pensare ma l’alcool fa peggio , immaginavo che una volta sentito tanto dolore per una persona la volta successiva fosse stato meno doloroso , invece non è cosi , il dolore è uguale lo si affronta in modo diverso , ma è sempre lo stesso .
Non impari mai a non soffrire o a soffrire meno , il dolore si insinua in gola ti toglie il fiato , tu continui a pensare e lui ti pervade.
Vorrei solo che per una volta sia qualcuno a combattere per me , qualcuno che non dorma la notte per me , qualcuno che….
Amir …
Tu mi fissi mentre i miei pensieri si accumulano e pensi che ho vomitato nuovamente il veleno su una persona solo perche’ non accetto cose di me ,
hai cercato di stender i mie ricordi su un filo sperando che il vento li portasse via , cosi avrei sofferto meno , ma non è cosi .
Mi guardi senza dire una parola mentre stranamente mi addormento ragomitolata su me stessa.
La mattina seguente
Mi sveglio , strano non ho mal di testa dopo il terzo giorno di fila a far danni,
mi reco in cucina , avvolta in uno strano silenzio , si perche’ non ho sentito quando ti sei alzato ,
entro e ti trovo con una tazzina di caffe’ fumante che esclami
“buon giorno splendore!”
Dio splendore proprio oggi direi di no, capelli ricci arruffati, occhi gonfi e non immagino cos’altro.
Prendo il caffe’ mentre tu seduto affermi
” non ti ricordi nulla di ieri sera?”
Sgrano gli occhi mentre penso o dio il cellulare speriamo di non aver mandato messaggi a nessuno , gia’ mi sono bruciata la dignita’ abbastanza.
Ti sento pensare no tesoro l’ho nascosto , il discorso di ieri sera non lo ricordi …meglio cosi non era importante.
Ti avvicini mi scosti i ricci dal viso e mi abbracci , sento il calore della tua anima che mi avvolge in una splendida giornata di sole,
non ricordo nulla di ieri sera ma forse è meglio cosi!
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