Diario di una quarantenne in fine quarantena

Si lo so!

il rientro

( 550 giorni dal tuo ritorno)

Il rientro

Il rientro a casa con passo leggero , il sole illumina la stanza mentre tu dormi sul divano,

apri gli occhi e mi guardi rientrare con le scarpe  in mano per non far rumore,tento il rientro a passi leggeri ,

senza neanche pensarci esclami

” sei tornata ! che fine hai fatto , senza che me lo dici lo so gia’!”

Senza guardarti attraverso la stanza , mi cambio cerco di evitare il tuo sguardo ma so che mi stai non solo seguendo ma anche fissando ,

sai perfettamente che non potevo portarti con me era una cosa che dovevo fare e risolvere da sola

la tua presenza sarebbe stata ingombrante in tutti i sensi.

Mi cambio , mi strucco mentre tu mi fissi pensando che ho fatto l’ennesimo errore , anche se tu mi avevi avvertito , anche se i segnali c’erano tutti,

ma io li ho ignorati o comunque anche se li avevo percepiti ho fatto finta di nulla.

Ho deciso per una volta di seguire il mio istinto Amir ho sbagliato ma non posso rinnegarlo , ne sono consapevole ma non posso rinnegarlo .

Ti evito mentre preparo un caffe’ sento il tuo respiro dietro di me , sono ancora stordita da questi due giorni passati fuori ,

ho un po’ di malinconia perche’ sono consapevole che non ci sara’ un altra volta ma me lo dovevo lo dovevo a me stessa.

Senza neanche batter ciglio mi domani ” ed ora che facciamo?”

Giro il caffe’ distrattamente e poi esclamo ” Nulla!”

Non faremo nulla Amir

Mi sento chiusa in un vicolo cieco , ma penso che non faro’ nulla , rimarro’ ferma qui come in un labirinto senza uscita ,

a dirla tutta non so neanche se ne voglio uscire ,

non faremo nulla ho seguito il mio istinto anche se tu mi avevi avvertita , ma come sempre ho fatto di testa mia .

Voglio rimanere ferma ad aspettare che quel qualcosa che gia’ so non cambiera’ presto possa cambiare,

lo so che le ferite ci mettono tempo a guarire ed io voglio avere pazienza, lo spero

anche se gia’ so come andra’ a finire , me lo sento e lo senti anche tu.

aspettiamo che arrivi domani Amir , tanto domani arriva sempre

forse sara’ un giorno vuoto o un giorno diverso ma lui arrivera’ sempre ed io non ho voglia di far nulla .

Mi guardi scrolli le spalle  e mi dici

” ok facciamo come vuoi tu, ma sappi che tu non gli basterai , non sei quella che bastera’ mai a lui ed io non voglio che tu soffra ancora…”

Ma come dici tu domani arriva lo stesso …

il respiro

Comments

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