Diario di una quarantenne in fine quarantena

Non riesco a dormire

il respiro leggero

(giorno 500 dal tuo ritorno)

Il respiro leggero

Il respiro leggero quello che sento provenire da te accanto a me , non dormo

mentre ti guardo  accanto a me , il viso stanco , che dorme , il respiro leggero

quasi impercettibile , sono appoggiata al tuo petto ma non dormo.

Penso che in questa stanza le cose sono cambiate ,

i vestiti gettati alla rinfusa dopo un impeto di passione .

Dopo aver passato un giorno intero a parlare di tutto e di niente .

Tu dormi accanto a me ed io penso che è  finito tutto.

Quello che agli occhi degli altri potrebbe apparire come un nuovo inizio , io sento anche se lo nego , che ormai è la fine .

Sento la tua mano , affusolata che mi accarezza la coscia nuda , leggera come una piuma , mi tocchi la cicatrice , mentre dormi , ma stranamente non mi da fastidio .

Io che non riesco neanche quasi a guardarla , le tue dita che la sfiorano non mi danno fastidio, sono cosi leggere , cosi delicate , ma capisco nel silenzio e nel buoi di questa stanza che questa è l’ultima volta che mi faccio male.

Ore 3:30 A.M.

Continuo a sentirti respirare , a stento ma io non dormo non ci riesco

penso a te Amir che ti ho lasciato a casa , questa volta non potevo portarti con me e lo sai bene ,

era una cosa che dovevo fare da sola , nessuno sa che sono qui , nessuno deve saperlo , ti immagino

dormire sul divano , con un braccio che penzola , dopo ore ad attendere il mio ritorno

magari arrabbiato perche’ non sai che fine ho fatto.

Non potevo!

Non volevo che tu mi giudicassi per l’ennesimo errore ,

l’ennesima cavolata fatta .

Sembrava la cosa giusta sai , anche se avevo il sentore che sarebbe stata l’ultima , tu lo sapevi non mi hai avvertita volevi che sbagliassi come sempre , con la mia cocciutaggine che prende il sopravvento sulla razionalita’.

Ho deciso questa notte di chiudere il cuore , metterlo da parte e lasciarlo sanguinare in silenzio fin quando lui ne avra’ bisogno , fin quando in silenzio finira’ per rimanere muto .

Io sempre cosi celebrale , sempre cosi razionale con lui ho perso il controllo , e questo non me lo posso perdonare ,

non questa sera , non adesso .

Non posso continuare a farmi male per un respiro leggero,

ho deciso di ritornare da te a casa che mi aspetti ,

ho deciso di lasciare che il mio cuore sanguini lontano da parole

di conforto che neanche lo accarezzano…

Ho deciso di non sentire piu’ quel respiro leggero che mi accarezzava l’anima

l’imbarazzo

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