Diario di una quarantenne in fase 2 di quarantena

Cosa siamo noi?

cosa siamo noi

(giorno 400 dal tuo ritorno)

Cosa siamo noi? siamo solo cose che capitano

Cosa siamo noi? Siamo solo cose che capitano un giorno quando meno te lo aspetti , quando sei chiuso , quando hai chiuso i battenti a tutto e tutti ,

ti incontri , ti guardi ,

forse ti piace , ridi e scherzi cosi senza un secondo fine.

E’ sempre cosi che inizia tutto giusto?

Siamo solo cose che capitano

durante un cammino , avvolte tortuoso avvolte no , pieno di silenzi

incomprensione , parole dette e parole finte .

Fingiamo con le parole per non farci male , una notte cosi senza senso ,

i paletti che si spostano quelli che fin ora avevamo interposto tra noi si abbattono , e poi?

Il nulla!

Ricordo ancora  ( peccato per me)

ogni singola parola ogni singolo gesto , tu Amir che mi guardavi sorridere di nuovo , dopo il buio, dopo il non sentir nulla ,

mi ripetevi come facevo a non aver emozioni , come facevo a non sentire nulla solo la monotonia di una vita vissuta a meta’.

Ogni volta ti rispondevo non lo so non lo so proprio ma io non sento nulla , tutto mi sfiora , ma non mi attraversa .

Stai sorridendo ti vedo a quel mio pensiero che da giorni mi assilla, torna come prima ,

a non sentire nulla , torna a chiuderti alla vita ,

ma sai bene che dopo averlo fatto una volta non ci riesco ancora a farlo , non come prima.

Sono giorni che mi osservi quando vieni con me , mi guardi sorridere distrattamente all’obbiettivo , alle battute alle provocazioni .

I mille cambi d’abito , le mille finzioni i travestimenti che ogni volta indosso per potermi trasformare e vivere la vita di qualcun’altro.

Separata da me come un ologramma , cammino e fingo , una vita che non sia la mia ,

mi guardi  cercando di congiungere le due figure , quella reale e quella immaginaria , quella che mi sono creata e quella che sono.

Abbiamo fatto danni vero?

Ne abbiamo fatti tanti in questi anni che ormai non ne ricordo neanche piu’ ,  la chiave giusta all’auto sbagliata , io che guardavo nel finestrino e tu che mi tiravi

cercando di farmi capire che era l’auto sbagliata , una notte in cui eravamo tutti ubriachi , tutti cosi euforici , tutti cosi spensierati.

Le canzoni a squarcia gola , le 5 del mattino i cornetti caldi e gli occhi piccoli,

il vi riporto io a casa tranquilli !

Si si come no….

Tu che ogni volta ti sedevi accanto a me l’attimo prima di addormentarmi ,

mi guardavi e sorridevi cosi come si sorride ai bambini quando fanno qualcosa di buffo.

Ritorneremo a fare quelle cose te lo prometto!

Esclami guardandomi , a fare storie senza senso su instagram a ridere fino a farci uscire le lacrime ,

te lo prometto ( ripeti come una dolce ninna nanna ) ora dormi hai bisogno di riposare.

anche se non mi hai mai detto resta






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