(giorno 200 dal tuo ritorno)
Il dondolo è cosi questa giornata , altalenante ed instabile , ho sete una sete strana , di quelle che non riesci a placare , a soddisfare.
Mi guardi mentre vago insoddisfatta per casa , come un anima in pena, accendo l’ennesima sigaretta , la fumo distrattamente mentre tu seduto mi segui con lo sguardo.
Ad un certo punto mi assale un angoscia , le lacrime scendono senza controllo, non riesco a fermarle , come un dondolo che parte , si dondola
Ti avvicini mi asciughi il volto mentre ripeto , ho sbagliato nuovamente , ho sbagliato .
Sempre cosi irascibile, aggressiva ho rovinato tutto per l’ennesima volta .
Attaccandomi ad una persona , che non per colpa sua , ha visto il mio lato peggiore , le mie solite illusioni , di un anima sempre troppo fragile .
Consapevole delle sue azioni , ma sempre pronta a vomitare veleno nel momento sbagliato.
Sono io quella sbagliata Amir?
Sono io quella che crede troppo che arrivera’ anche per lei qualcosa di buono prima o poi , che si attacca troppo , rimane in silenzio per non ferire nessuno , poi sbotta , scoppia perche’ si è tenuta tutto dentro.
Al momento sbagliato , nella situazione sbagliata.
Mi guardi singhiozzare , cerchi in tutti i modi di calmarmi , come fai sempre , mentre il dondolo delle mie emozioni va da solo , le lacrime scendono , lo stomaco si contrae.
Ho sbagliato tutto di nuovo , ho rovinato tutto di nuovo , sono una pessima persona ,e no
non ho il coraggio di chiedere scusa non saprei neanche da dove iniziare ,
cosa dire un banalissimo ” hey ciao come stai? scusami ma sono una grande deficente!”
Lascio stare , penso passera’ come sempre e tu che mi afferri per un braccio mentre cerco di andarmene via , mi guardi , vorresti parlare ma non sai , mai come questa volta cosa dire .
Forse una cosa l’hai pensata l’ho sentita balenarti in testa , sei sempre la solita , ferisci te stessa fino allo stremo per non perdere e ferire nessuno fin quando sfinita arrivi al limite.
Ed hai ragione pienamente ragione , ma penso che ormai sia troppo tardi , magari tra qualche giorno , tra qualche settimana, quando le acque si saranno calmate
forse ma non so .
Non si aggiustano le cose rotte sai per quanto ci proviamo , non sempre si aggiustano ed io non sono brava in queste cose , non so aggiustare
le cose rotte.
La rabbia e’ stata tanta la sua intendo e va bene ci sta me lo merito , mi merito ogni parola ogni indifferenza ,
ogni singola lettera , forse ma non tutto quello poteva anche evitarlo , ma non lo biasimo no non lo biasimo affatto
me la sono cercata .
Come diceva sempre tu sai chi , te la sei cercata tu , cosa vuoi adesso?
Viaggiare tra le crepe dell’anima , quelle crepe cosi profonde da non riuscire a superarle , perche’ ormai secche e aride vivono dentro di me.
Mi fanno compagnia , anzi le sento diventare sempre piu’ aride , neanche tutta l’acqua piovana potra’ mai risanare .
Ora semplicemente continuo a rimanere sul mio dondolo
Perdonami è tutto cio’ che so dire …
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