Diario di una quarantenne in quarantena

Sere d’estate

il dondolo

(giorno 200 dal tuo ritorno)

Il dondolo

Il dondolo è cosi questa giornata , altalenante ed instabile  , ho sete una sete strana , di quelle che non riesci a placare , a soddisfare.

Mi guardi mentre vago insoddisfatta per casa , come un anima in pena, accendo l’ennesima sigaretta , la fumo distrattamente mentre tu seduto mi segui con lo sguardo.

Ad un certo punto mi assale un angoscia , le lacrime scendono senza controllo, non riesco a fermarle , come un dondolo che parte , si dondola


Ti avvicini mi asciughi il volto mentre ripeto , ho sbagliato nuovamente , ho sbagliato .

Sempre cosi irascibile, aggressiva ho rovinato tutto per l’ennesima volta .

Attaccandomi ad una persona , che non per colpa sua , ha visto il mio lato peggiore , le mie solite illusioni , di un anima sempre troppo fragile .

Consapevole delle sue azioni , ma sempre pronta a vomitare veleno nel momento sbagliato.

Sono io quella sbagliata Amir?

Sono io quella che crede  troppo che arrivera’ anche per lei qualcosa di buono prima o poi , che si attacca troppo , rimane in silenzio per non ferire nessuno , poi sbotta , scoppia perche’ si è tenuta tutto dentro.

Al momento sbagliato , nella situazione sbagliata.

Mi guardi singhiozzare , cerchi in tutti i modi di calmarmi , come fai sempre , mentre il dondolo delle mie emozioni va da solo , le lacrime scendono , lo stomaco si contrae.

Ho sbagliato tutto di nuovo , ho rovinato tutto di nuovo , sono una pessima persona ,e no

non ho il coraggio di chiedere scusa non saprei neanche da dove iniziare ,

cosa dire un banalissimo ” hey ciao come stai? scusami ma sono una grande deficente!”

Lascio stare , penso passera’ come sempre e tu che mi afferri per un braccio mentre cerco di andarmene via , mi guardi , vorresti parlare ma non sai , mai come questa volta cosa dire .

Forse una cosa l’hai pensata l’ho sentita balenarti in testa , sei sempre la solita , ferisci te stessa fino allo stremo per non perdere e ferire nessuno fin quando sfinita arrivi al limite.

Ed hai ragione pienamente ragione , ma penso che ormai sia troppo tardi , magari tra qualche giorno , tra qualche settimana, quando le acque si saranno calmate

forse ma non so .

Non si aggiustano le cose rotte sai per quanto ci proviamo , non sempre si aggiustano ed io non sono brava in queste cose , non so aggiustare

le cose rotte.

La rabbia e’ stata tanta la sua intendo e va bene ci sta me lo merito , mi merito ogni parola ogni indifferenza ,

ogni singola lettera , forse ma non tutto quello poteva anche evitarlo , ma non lo biasimo no non lo biasimo affatto

me la sono cercata .

Come diceva sempre tu sai chi , te la sei cercata tu , cosa vuoi adesso?

Viaggiare tra le crepe dell’anima , quelle crepe cosi profonde da non riuscire a superarle , perche’ ormai secche e aride vivono dentro di me.

Mi fanno compagnia , anzi le sento diventare sempre piu’ aride , neanche tutta l’acqua piovana potra’ mai risanare .

Ora semplicemente continuo a rimanere sul mio dondolo

che dondola,

pensando semplicemente

Perdonami è tutto cio’ che so dire …

senza voce




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