Diario di una quarantenne in ormai fase 3 di quarantena

Senza voce

sta andando tutto a rotoli

( giorno 130 dal tuo ritorno)

Sta andando tutto a rotoli

Sta andando tutto a rotoli, oggi non ho voce

ed i mie pensieri corrono troppo veloci , mentre tu cerchi di ricorrerli uno ad uno ,

ma non ci riesci.

Amir fermati non ho voce oggi , sta andando tutto a rotoli, ed io non riesco ad afferrare nulla.

Tutto degenera velocemente , colpa del mio cuore malato una conseguenza una delle tante .

Ma come diciamo noi ” non importa non fa nulla!” .

Quante volte lo abbiamo detto?

Non importa quando invece importava , quando invece era meglio parlare piu’ tosto che stare in silenzio , tutto va troppo veloce ed io non riesco a tenerlo fermo , non ci riesco.

Cerco affannosamente di fermarlo di capire e poi nulla , tu mi fermi mi guardi per cercare di capire di parlarmi ma oggi neanche tu ci riesci , stiamo affondando .

La barca che affonda non puo’ essere liberata giusto? , la ragazza dal cuore puro, che parla poco , ma che sorride a tutti , con gli occhi, sta affondando e non riesce a risalire , cerca di respirare ma non ce la fa.

Mi blocchi per un braccio

mentre cerco di capire , camminando affannosamente in cucina ,

mi fermi mi fai sedere ,

pensi ” abbiamo bisogno di bere qualcosa che dici”

ti guardo , accenno con la testa , apriamo quella bottiglia che era rimasta li prima della pandemia , un sorso dopo l’altro

cercando di ritornare lucidi.

I pensieri si calmano ma il nodo alla gola rimane , cerco di mettere un pensiero in fila uno dopo l’altro , le persone , i sorrisi ,

le risate , quelle persone che mi hanno illuso , che sia stato un giorno o un anno poco importa,

hanno ferito anche se io non me ne rendevo conto ,

feriscono un anima cosi fragile e cosi forte allo stesso tempo .

Quella che non chiede mai aiuto per paura di disturbare , quella che ha pensato mille volte ce la faccio da sola , anche senza di te .

Mi fissi con occhi penetranti cerchi di calmarmi , di farmi sentire che andra’ tutto bene , infondo ti sei sentita sempre troppo sbagliata quando non lo eri .

Inadeguata , chiusa in te stessa sempre al momento sbagliato nel posto giusto forse ma pur sempre nel momento sbagliato.

Accendo una sigaretta con gli occhi lucidi e ti guardo , non so che dire anche oggi non so che dire , la notte e’ cosi sempre troppo scura e sempre troppo lunga ,

anche per me , guerriera troppo stanca della vita che va a rotoli.

pesare il cuore

 

 

Comments

comments

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43 risposte a “Diario di una quarantenne in ormai fase 3 di quarantena”

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