Diario di un quarantenne in quarantena

I ricordi

quello strano ricordo

(giorno 95 dal tuo ritorno)

Quello strano ricordo

Quello strano ricordo , cosi che oggi mi è arrivato come un fulmine a ciel sereno ,

non so perche’ ma stavo cercando di ricordalo , anche se ho un immagine un po’ distorta forse perche’ è passato quasi un anno ed

i ricordi sono cosi tendono a mutare a cambiare per poi rimanere li  come vecchie scarpe appese ad un filo.

Tu lo ricordi Amir?

Te lo ricordi?

No perche’ io ricordo il viaggio , la caduta la vostra corsa in ospedale il mio risveglio , uno sguardo quasi catatonico

mi guardavo in torno senza capire cosa fosse realmente accaduto , da li che è iniziato tutto.

Tornata a casa nell’oblio della stanza , in quel silenzio quasi assordante ricordo solo la tua presenza ,

tu seduto su quella sedia accanto a me che mi controllavi , vegliavi mentre io dormivo , a stento respiravo .

Non avevo neanche la forza di alzare gli occhi di pensare a qualcosa , ero solo molto stanca , non sentivo il mio cuore battere , non sentivo nulla,

non sentivo nulla come adesso.

Eppure l’unica cosa che sentivo era la tua presenza , il tuo respiro su di me , quando ti avvicinavi , mi toccavi la fronte e controllavi se respiravo se respiravo ancora .

I due giorni successivi sono molto confusi , la stanchezza , i giorni passati a dormire , le lacrime che scendevano da sole senza alcun apparente motivo.

Ora so perche’ c’erano e tu lo sapevi ancor prima di me .

Quel messaggio , il silenzio ancora quel silenzio

che continua ad essere la mia costante in tutto questo anno.

Tu lo ricordi?

Le bugie , è da li che sono iniziate nuovamente , i miei continui ” sto bene sono solo un po’ affaticata”

I tuoi sguardi imbarazzati ogni volta che lo dicevo alle persone , ogni volta che lo ripetevo a me stessa, tipo mantra per ignorare tutto .

Penso sia stata la scelta piu’ giusta , mentire a tutti non dire la verita’ e non perche’ faccia male , ma perche’ sentirmi rinfacciare , come è accaduto qualche mese dopo , la mia

” caduta” fa piu’ male che raccontar la verita’.

Gli altri non capirebbero , non hanno mai capito anche se io non sono mai stata brava a spiegarmi.

Ma ora penso che bisognava perdersi per ritrovarsi , ed io mi sono persa, ho perso la strada ,

mi sono persa tra i miei mille ” tranquilla ce la farai anche questa volta” .

Mi sto ritrovando sai , nonostante quello strano ricordo .

il viaggio

 

Comments

comments

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