Diario di una quarantenne in ormai 3 fase di quarantena

La valigia

il viaggio

( giorno 90 dal tuo ritorno)

Il viaggio

Il viaggio , sto organizzando quel viaggio , sai ti ricordi quello di lavoro dai te ne avevo parlato.

Sono giorni che sembra che stia meglio , meno triste meno stanca sono anche riuscita a dormire 8 ore di fila!

Tu te ne sei reso conto dal mio passo piu’ leggero e piu’ veloce del solito , non mi disturbi piu’ come prima mi sono abituata alla tua presenza anzi te ne sono grata .

Cosi grata che quando faccio la doccia si appanna lo specchio e disegno con il dito il tuo nome – Amir- quasi a ringraziarti del tuo ritorno.

Tu lo guardi mentre sorridi , poi voltata mentre cerco di vestirmi scosto i capelli ed esordisco ” che fai sbirci?” .

Rido rido di gusto , tanto tu essendo parte di me mi hai vista nuda sempre , e poi con il mio lavoro sai che sono molto a mio agio con il mio corpo ,

ma tu ti imbarazzi ancora a quelle mie battute

sceme , che finisci per sorridere ed arrossire.

Mi cambio ,

pongo la valigia sul letto , inizio a riempirla , sai senza una logica , senza una lista in mano , io non amo le liste mi mandano in confusione .

Mi osservi e sento il tuo pensiero , allora ci vai? hai deciso veramente , strano cosi all’improvviso.

Ma sai che non è una scelta affrettata , ponderata è un viaggio di lavoro , e poi penso che  vorrei incontrare quella persona , cosi senza un appuntamento ,

per strada , urtarla come quando urti qualcuno distrattamente .

Sfiorala e non so perche’ guardala negli occhi e sentire che non l’ho mai conosciuto veramente , cosi come un estraneo che ti urta per strada distrattamente.

Lo penso da giorni , ci penso , al profumo del mare , a questo lavoro cosi importante per me , al caldo che fa’ al caldo cosi strano che non mi fa sudare ma affannare il respiro.

Giudero’ io come sempre e sai che rimarro’ sveglia tutta la notte ,

cerchi di guardami negli occhi mentre la valigia non si chiude , ed io esclamo

” come sempre ho portato troppe cose ti siedi sopra per favore?”

Alla fine cedi come fai sempre con la mia valigia sempre troppo piena , ti guardo e penso , ho intenzione di divertirmi , di passare un po’ di tempo con i ragazzi ,

sentirmi libera, non preoccuparti staro’ bene e faro’ attenzione .

Anche se sai cosa accadra’ dopo, fingi di crederci,

fingi che questa buffa posizione sulla valigia sia la solita risata , il mio solito comandare a becchetta ,

e ridere perche’ come un camionista impreco contro me stessa perche’ porto troppe cose.

Sono felice sai ti guardo e mi rendo conto di essere un po’ piu’ felice , sempre maldestra , sempre goffa , un po’ piu’ sicura di me e questo mi piace .

Piace anche a te ?

non mi ferisci





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