Diario di una quarantenne in quarantena

Sta per finire , fine fase 2

lontana da te

(10 giorni dal tuo ritorno)

Lontana da te

Lontana da te , sono giorni che cerco di stare lontana da te

esco quando ancora dormi accanto a me , con la tua solita aria tranquilla e pacata , rientro la sera quando ormai sei addormentato sul divano sfinito ,

perche’ hai atteso il mio ritorno.

Ti sto evitando Amir , lo sto facendo per non farti notare le mie occhiaie che stanno diventando sempre piu’ scure ,

la mia ormai magrezza nota e sempre piu’ nota anche sui social.

La mattina mi guardo allo specchio mentre mi preparo e penso , non si vedranno con il trucco , poi in foto si nota solo il mio sguardo malinconico.

Lo sguardo malinconico che mi caratterizza da sempre , forse è questo che piace ai fotografi.

Ricordo sai la prima volta che mi hanno notato , il fotografo mi disse  ” hai un certo non so che che mi fa impazzire , e per questo voglio fotografarti!”

Forse era il mio sguardo , cosi vuoto , malinconico sempre assorto in altri pensieri , mai cosi languido da sembrare vero , ma allo stesso tempo sempre tra le nuvole.

Forse è questo che ha fatto la mia fortuna , forse è questo che si nota con la mascherina , uno sguardo stanco aggiungerei io.

Visto che i miei occhi nel tempo ne hanno viste tante , hanno pianto tanto , si sono illusi tanto per poi essere feriti sempre .

Ti ho evitato per tutti questi giorni , ma ora è il momento di affrontarti, si ci diremo tutto o meglio tu mi dirai tutto ed io staro’ li a guardarti senza batter ciglio , respirando lentamente ,

cercando di non andare ancora piu’ in confusione.

Questa sera arrivo poggio la borsa e ti guardo , proprio a dire ok parliamo facciamolo ora , questo è il momento giusto.

Mi guardi tiri un sospiro poi parti , mi chiedi se ci ho pensato a quella proposta , arrivata cosi dal nulla ,

se voglio veramente andare con lui , iniziare un cammino che mi portera’ a distruggermi , se sono veramente sicura che sia la scelta giusta.

Ma lo sai io non guardo mai al futuro piu’ di tanto poi lo sai settembre è ancora lontano , io sto prendendo tempo.

Non so se posso , bhe forse vorrei è quello che avrei voluto per tanto tempo ed ora che è arrivato io non so cosa fare.

Oggi mi ha chiamato , mi ha chiesto se ci stavo pensando se veramente volevo , perche’ lui sembra cosi sicuro , nonostante la sua giovane eta’ lui è sempre stato sicuro.

Di volermi , di toccarmi e di ferirmi , inesorabilmente distruggermi , per poi tornare e sentire che non fosse mai accaduto nulla.

Dobbiamo comportaci da adulti questa volta , ma cosa vuol dire veramente , frenami se faccio il passo piu’ lungo della gamba , ma

se ci sono i sentimenti tu non ti butteresti?

Anche se io ho deciso di pensare con la testa e non con la pancia , questa volta sono ancora piu’ confusa di sempre ancora piu’ distratta , ancora piu’ affannata.

Ho deciso che il cuore devo lasciarlo un po’ a riposo altrimenti finira’ per continuare ad ammalarsi , a crollare ancora di piu’ ma so bene che questa è solo un utopia , io non ci riesco mai

e tu mi guardi come sempre sapendo bene che i miei ragionamenti sono sensati ma irrealizzabili per una come me .

come quel jeans che indossi sempre

 

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