Diario di fine fase 2 di quarantena

E gia’

come quel jeans che indossi sempre

( giorno 6 dal tuo ritorno)

Come quel jeans che indossi sempre

Come quel jeans che indossi sempre , hai presente?

lo lavi e lo rilavi si stringe lo indossi poi dopo poco diventa nuovamente comodo , si ti calza nuovamente a pennello , per poi diventare largo con il passare delle ore , fin quando non torni a lavarlo nuovamente .

E’ cosi Amir che funziona la vita , l’amore , ti adatti o lui si adatta a te , come il jeans che ho indossato oggi , sembrava bello aderente sai poi si è allargato , per deformarsi con il passare delle ore .

Torno a  casa tu mi fissi ed esclami” sei dimagrita! questo jeans ti sta largo!”

No rispondo  ha solo ceduto al passere del tempo , o forse sono dimagrita , ma questo non voglio ammetterlo , non bevo piu’ non posso , fumo solo , magio poco perche’ anche l’appetito ha smesso di venirmi incontro , e tu mi guardi ogni volta mentre svogliatamente mi cambio , leggo i messaggi e le ultime email al cellulare , cosi , sempre un po’ inconsapevole  , con la testa tra le nuvole , stanca

e forse anche apatica.

Il caffe’ con le solite amiche , le chiacchiere , i soliti messaggi che poi spesso sono risate e progetti che forse non porteremo a termine mai , quelle bottiglie di vino ,

io che non posso berle ma ti posso fare compagnia,

intanto il tempo scorre tra i miei jeans logori , e penso sai ti penso ,

e penso di aver sbagliato nuovamente ad aver letto quel messaggio , tu mi guardi

con la tua aria di onniscenza , sai benissimo che avevi ragione , ma non lo amettero’ mai , il tempo passa e le cose anzi i ricordi si affievoliscono , diventano come una

vecchia foto logora e graffiata in cui non  riconosci chi viene ritratto.

Sai come dico sempre io , ci si abitua a tutto , mancanze , assenze ai jeans stretti e le parole non dette .

Le illusioni  , le promesse non mantenute , ma tu ora sei tornato e non vorrei mai che te ne andassi nuovamente , ho bisogno di te

che mi dica che sto sbagliando anche quando ti grido di no,

ho bisogno di vivere meglio , quel poco che …

lo sai bene non farmelo dire .

La mia teoria funziona sempre se non lo dici a voce alta allora non diventa reale.

Ecco io non voglio dirlo a voce alta cosi’ rimarra’ solo una finta illusione

pensando che tutto va bene , che tutto scorre inevitabilmente  per il verso giusto.

Cosi come abbiamo io e te sempre fatto o forse piu’ io che te ma sai dopo il nostro litigio

io ho fatto finta che tutto andasse per il verso giusto ma mi sono resa conto che non era cosi.

sei meravigliosa ma non abbastanza

 

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