Diario della fase 2 di quarantena

La prima svolta

squilla il telefono

( giorno 3 dal tuo ritorno)

Squilla il telefono

Squilla il telefono , io sono li avanti al pc un po’ annoiata , cercando di mettere insieme le idee,

tu sul letto a leggere un libo , a si il tuo libro preferito -Shopenhauer-

Mi volto rispondo , senza neanche guardare chi fosse, un attimo di silenzio poi mi alzo , scappo via per parlare sperando che tu non mi senta.

La chiamata dura un po’ ma per me  come se fosse passato un attimo!

Ritorno , con un sorriso a 36 denti al mio lavoro , fingo che non sia accaduto nulla e tu abbassi il libro e mi guardi , o si se mi guardi , infondo sai gia’ chi era al telefono.

Esordisci dicendo ” chi era? hai cambiato faccia! ora sorridi!”

Io come sempre fingo di ignorati , fingo che non sia successo nulla e con aria anche scocciata ti rispondo nessuno Amir nessuno…

Strano vero come una semplice chiamata possa cambiare l’umore di una giornata uggiosa, una giornata qualunque in cui io cerco di lavorare e tu mi segui ovunque come gli ultimi due giorni del resto.

Strano vero , continuo a ripetermi non lo fare , non lo fare non sorridere cosi , non farti fregare nuovamente , non farlo e tu

tu mi assecondi , fingi di non ascoltare i miei pensieri.

Mi stendo sul letto a guardare il soffitto come sempre quando sono confusa,  tu accanto a me ed io , che continuo con la cantilena

” lo so lo so, non devo rifarlo , non posso rifarlo”

Sai non si impara mai dagli errori , se ci metti il cuore spesso anzi quasi sempre è difficile.

La tua voce , un brivido sulla schiena che sale arriva poi allo stomaco e stringe inesorabilmente stringe, poi poi la confusione ,

le parole dette le promesse fatte .

Tu che mi fissi e mi ripeti non farlo ti prego , non farlo visto che questa volta ne uscirai distrutta come l’ultima volta ,

si lo so lo so perfettamente ma lui come nessun altro mi manda in confusione , come se non fosse accaduto nulla in questi ultimi mesi , i ricordi brutti svaniscono , ritornano solo i sorrisi.

Mi accarezzi i capelli come fai ogni volta che sai che sto per commettere l’ennesimo errore , ma gia’ sai che non ascoltero’ le tue parole ,

perche’ io amo scottarmi , e bruciarmi ancora anche se fa male , ma questa volta ho te a proteggermi ,

rifaro’ gli stessi errori e saranno anche migliori di ieri !


ti prego non guardarmi cosi




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